For most of my life, I have bought into the concept of finding my “True North’” (as if there was a giant compass somewhere with my name on it) and understanding what gives me my best chance to live my highest and best life. Maybe you’ve done the same under the guise of “finding yourself”. It’s a fascinating journey and it tends to be quite affirming if done properly.

One of my favorite writers and thought leaders is Stephen Covey. His book, Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, has had a significant impact on how I view life. Covey had a way of making the supremely complex relatable and understandable. One of the concepts he taught centered around effective human interaction. Covey believed we all start in a dependent state as children. And then as time progresses we strive to be interdependent with our peers and family. Seems like a worthy goal until you realize we missed one important step. Trying to move from dependence to interdependence creates dysfunctional relationships because we never took the time to become independent. We had no clue who we were and what made us tick. We often avoid the opportunity to discover ourselves in order to have a solid base beneath us as we strive for meaningful relationships. If you don’t know who you are, other humans will be happy to define you as they see fit and as it best suits their own agendas.

I think there is all kinds of wisdom in the process of moving from dependence to independence and then into interdependence. But I’ve noticed a hiccup in this sequence. A terrible oversight that causes us humans all kinds of problems.

What if we dig deep into our own existence and eventually find our core person. The person we were designed to be. Our true and authentic self. And what happens when we meet this entity that we have spent months and years trying to find and we don’t approve of them? What happens when we find that we don’t mesh with that particular version of ourselves? I’ll tell you what happens. We repress like hell. We avoid. We ignore. We forget. An internal civil war begins. We find that our clocks (time) don’t align with our compass (direction) and our authentic self gets buried beneath our public image so much so that we lose ourself altogether.

How could this possibly happen? How can we be so steeped in our own environmental biases that we come to a place where our true self feels disorienting? More importantly – what do we do about it?

I spent years building my public persona in terms of who I thought I needed to be to find acceptance. I had allowed the external to stain and influence the sacred and internal. And in turn I was quite surprised to find what I discovered when I eventually “found” myself as the gurus like to say.

I have spent the better part of the past five years coming to grips with what I found deep inside of me. Something tells me it would have been much wiser to begin the process with the truth rather than waiting 30 years to finally find it. But to be fair to myself, I can’t imagine a 25 year old version of me having the emotional depth or courage to let this exercise take me where I ultimately needed to go.

It seems we want to follow another Covey principal that perhaps isn’t well suited sequentially for the exercise of finding personal authenticity. One of the Seven Habits is to ‘begin with the end in mind’. While that works in many scenarios, I believe it is the true enemy when searching for oneself. If we are certain that we know who we are before we actually go through an intentional discovery process, then we will struggle to accept reality (ourselves) when we find it. This stuff can’t be predetermined and expected to be beneficial at the same time.

So how are you doing with all of this ‘true north’ stuff? Is it making sense for you? Have you taken the deep dive and discovered things you never knew might exist inside of you? Are you actually more emotional than you think you ought to be? Are you, for example, an introvert but played the role of extrovert for approval all your life? Have you discovered that you are more aligned with the opposite political party than you ever imagined possible? What about your views on religion or thoughts surrounding human suffering or success? Have you found that you actually prefer nuance and shades of gray rather than black and white answers? If so, how does that feel?

I’m concerned that many have never embarked on this journey. I’m even more concerned that those who do take the journey end up convinced they are flawed because of what they find there. Remember in the Wizard of Oz when Dorothy goes from Kansas to Oz and the movie transitions from black and white to color? Yeah. That. We finally see in technicolor but convince ourselves that black is white is preferable. That might be because in our self-concocted black and white world, sweet Auntie Em and the farm awaits but while living in color we are fully alive but being chased by a witch and her annoying flying monkeys. Black and white feels safer but technicolor is where our lives come alive.

Here’s some old-guy advice from a guy who has spent years trying to find himself. And then when I found myself I worked just as hard trying to avoid what I found. I repressed it because I figured I would not be acceptable to my family, friends or even myself. Sound familiar?

Take a deep breath. Quiet your mind and connect to your true self. You. Not some version of you that has been manipulated and designed by the world around you. Now stop. Admire what is before you. Embrace it. Even if just privately – allow yourself to fall in love with the real you. Sit with your authentic self. Feel the emotions that arise. Hold those emotions. Don’t rush through it. Notice where you feel tension. Which attributes about the real you feel shameful or embarrassing? Do your best to push your ego aside and engage with the amazing person you were created to be.

It’s in these quiet and private moments when life’s real journey begins as you start to integrate who you really are into your life. It takes serious courage to align with this mysterious and sacred inner compass. I promise you it’s there if you can just make time to connect and then value all that you were made to be.

Eventually you won’t see the authentic you as a person to visit. The real you will eventually take over and you will become your highest and best self. But pace yourself and involve your family and friends because they will surely notice a difference and will begin asking questions.

Here’s another important note – whatever you find deep inside is stunningly beautiful. Don’t listen to the critics. Don’t let them write your script. The caricature of ourselves that we have created over time is fragile. Our true selves are exactly as we are meant to be. And you – yes you – are magnificent and filled with light and you carry a genius within you that no one else has. You’re unique, spectacular and you are enough. You are everything you’ve ever wanted to be. It’s all inside of you. Waiting. So when you find it – give yourself a hug and recognize your brilliance.

If you’ve never gone there – go! And if you have and it scared you – go again. Live into that space and trust that you are more than enough just as you are. Not even the witches and flying monkeys are worth going back to a world of black and white. There’s no place like home unless home means settling for a counterfeit version of you. If that’s the case – stay in Oz.